It’s been a little more than ten years since something happened in my life…that I still can’t explain the depth of change it brought upon me.
Well, I guess it started 12 years ago.
We were pregnant. We were excited at the thought of celebrating the year 2000 with a new baby. May of 99, I celebrated Mother’s Day with my Mother, Aunt, Sister in Law, our families and the babe that was growing.
Of the four just mentioned; my Sister In Law and I are left. My Mother, Aunt and the Babe are singing songs of praises with the Heavenly Hosts.
It wasn’t until late 200o that we found out why. I was told my body may never be able to carry a child. Bt, the Dr.s would help us. On the day we went to begin the shots, their pregnancy test was positive. The test I took (only because the signs that I saw when I was losing that first baby)had already confirmed my pregnancy. When I took the test, I fell into a heap on the flooring crying. That moment that is filled with tears of joy and fear -it.was.happening.again.
For the first 4 months of that pregnancy, I was under the care of a specialist and very rarely left my bed. I was blessed with a a great job that allowed me to work from home.
So, for four months (every week at the Dr’s office) I heard the words: “Please, go home and rest. You probably won’t make it through the weekend, just call our office and we’ll help you through this.” Things would happen. Heart rate drop, the sac completely fell in on one side and part of it was missing and more… But, the following week the babe would still there.
Finally, at 15 weeks, I was placed back in my regular Dr’s care. The Specialist was left scratching his head.
Then, the phone rang. My Father In Law was in the hospital and only had a few days remaining. They had just found out. No clue, only because he was in pain did they rush him 10 hours away to a hospital that would listen.
I had a choice: risk the baby or not. We left shortly after the call. We sat and watched and prayed. His room was filled with peace as his soul left the room.
Another Mother’s Day was approaching. My mind would go back to the previous. The first babe. I would close my eyes and hold that babe and this new one at the same time. Then, I would look up and beg like a child in a toy store: PLEASE, DADDY, IF YOU”LL JUST LET ME HAVE THIS BABY…I PROMISE< I’ll BE A GOOD GIRL!?!
Then another call came. My Aunt had been found on her floor: severe damage to her mind. She would never be the same. She had been my second mother.
And then the pain the pain began in my body. Something was different. It seemed my body was beginning to take the turn the Dr’s had told me it would take. I sat there and watched the Dr’s eyes focus and heard the sound of the tech’s voice with the ultrasound machine: “PLEASE, go immediately to the hospital…you are in labor and it may be too late to stop it.”
“WAIT! I am ONLY 28 weeks!!! I made it this FAR and I PROMISED TO BE A GOOD GIRL!!!!!” Are you there? Do you hear me????? PLEASE….I don’t want to lose anyone else!!! WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?”
We made it to the hospital and I lay there with the drugs shaking my body. my friend entered the room…she’s so beautiful and pregnant, too…on her way to a birthing class. She hugs me REAL….
The drugs stopped it this time and we went home. I was back in bed. this time for good.
AND THEN the drugs stop working.. This time, the pains are stronger. This time – No returning home for 2 weeks, the dr…pumps me full. The medicine takes my mind to another world. The room is too hot. The temp in the room reads 28. Me, I’m sweating, my skin hurts, please don’t talk to me…my thoughts…scrambled…..friends “Please let us come”….me…I’m so incoherent…HE is the only one I can hear. My husband sits in the room. He’s worn his parka…..he smiles at me…he prays for me…he knows my heart, my fear….
Finally, after shots and iv’s….we’re close enough and they let me go home with a drip directly to my leg. No more waking up every 4 hours to take the pills for 24/7. Now, it’s pumped directly in ever 15 minutes. Since 28 weeks -NO sleep-no rest, this medication is keeping the baby from being born…and me…from sleep.
It’s time to have this baby turned. His head is up….the Drs try….it doesn’t work…and then, the OR..it’s time…they can’t turn back…my body has had enough…..WAIT…HE’S EARLY…HIS LUNGS!!! I’m praying again…the little girl in the toy store…and he whispers to me…
At 2:18…..5 weeks early…he is born: 8lbs and 12oz. I whisper…I PROMISE, I’ll be a GOOD girl!….and I’ve broken that promise, time and again…but, that babe is growing. He is still here…and my Father, He never broke his…. “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”[a]
That son…bears the name of what my Husband and I desire for our home….
15 But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.”
And…through that…through the day in/out of not knowing of seeing how little I control this life…I Learned to trust him…to really trust him….and to know I could never promise to be something I’m not….Now, this boy, this man child…he just turned 10. My oldest..the first to move into the double-digits. His lungs….well, he can swim the length of the pool. His mind is clear…he is reading books that are far above his age….his legs…they never leave his skateboard…his heart is growing towards God.
Last night,I sat on the back patio with him. He was a gentleman. He knows the late hours his father works are hard on all of us…and he says “Mom, come and sit with me….let’s talk”…and we do….and the conversation is wonderful….and I hug him and say “THANK YOU”…..
I am sharing this post today at Some Girl’s Website for Thought-Provoking Thursday. How often…do we parents make promises we know we can’t keep…Yet our Father…his promises never fail us!!!!