When you have tasted the depth of pain that can not be explained, it creates a clarity in this world that others can not understand – unless they, too, have experienced the bitterness that can remain forever in a heart…… A bitterness that can remain until it is released and filled with Joy.
Every now and then, the darkness can bring back memories memories of pain. The pain caused by divorce is deeper than that experienced through death – that’s what my Mama told me…..and the darkness of night, I know the truth of her words. Yet, that truth has now revealed the beauty of forgiveness…and my life with him is one of growth and beauty that can only be obtained through the true words spoken at the beginning of time.
Memories fade and the heart can grow in many different directions, depending upon the path the life takes – after pain has hit hard and threatens to take the breath from your lungs….a soul must seek peace, pursue it and empty the pain to fill the soul and heart with joy.
As I sit here, writing in the quiet, I listen to the breath of my child – my oldest. He bears the resemblance of his uncle….the one he never met. Many say he has his smile, his laughter, love for others and a desire for adventure. Me, I don’t know these things, I was young when he left this world.
The breath of the child at the foot of my bed in a heap of blankets, shivering from fever and my mind wanders…..to a night of laughter around the table with his Grandmother. It’s his little brother’s favorite place…..his special place with his Grandmother.
During the midst of my daydream taking me back to sweet memories made, I feel the sense of more healing in my heart…. Healing from the pain of death and divorce. The divorce of my parents and my own. I sit and think back to the pain I have experienced at the side of this man I love so much…..and sense God whispering…… ”I love you more and have already forgiven all”…. I know-to actually hear his voice is not truly possible. But, to have a relationship with my Father- is. To know him is to know true love and to experience a forgiveness and love which surpasses all understanding.
The night drags on, the breathing continues and I’m thankful for His words that have been planted in my heart… His words that I cling to, to grow me…to love me and to keep me from doing harm.
I pray for the struggle to end. This struggle against the flesh, when the true war is against the spirit. Pain, when brought on through this life and careless words or actions of others can flare the deepest vengeance and anger-pride.my.old.friends-you are no longer welcome here.
As quickly as the words from His book come to my mind, i drift from one memory to another, always aware of the child-boy at my feet…growing and seeking the faith of his own…
While the sweet memories of laughter and joy ruminate from another depth in my heart….I remember to Count It All Joy
There, in the darkness….I hear those words – count it all joy. Don’t just seek peace, pursue peace, find joy – but count it all joy.
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. …James 1:2-8 ESV