When I think back over my life to moments when I know I made decisions that had an impact on my heart, I go back to one specific conversation. I was so young, so naive and so desiring love.
My parents divorced when I was very little and my brother was killed just a short time after that – but, you know that by now. Those moments made a profound impact on my life.
Now, I know, I was WRECKED for a Purpose greater than my own understanding.
Divorce hurts children.
Fighting between Mommy and Daddy hurts children, too….but that’s for another day.
This day, this conversation. I remember it so vividly. I was standing in our little kitchen eating a snack and talking on the phone with my boyfriend. I have no idea where my family was. Working, sports…somewhere, not home….and that gave me a freedom no child at that age should have.
I was a latch-key kid.
The house was always quiet. Well, until late in the evening. But, when I came home, I had hours to myself. Time to clean, cook dinner, work on homework, watch MTV and, oh yes-talk on the phone.
It was during one of those hours–those long hours alone that I stood in the kitchen and we talked and talked.
I do not remember where his parents were and how they did not hear. His mother – oh, one of the sweetest I have ever known…. I loved her, her family and being in their home gave me a promise of a family I longed for.
During this one conversation – that topic came up. OH, we were so young, what were we thinking? What were we doing?
and the words came from ME – the dare….
“I doubt you would even know what to do”
It’s almost laughable now. I had no idea. From there, the conversation spiraled and a plan was devised. I remember how my heart raced, I was scared and excited…because I just knew…”He’s the one”…
That night, on the phone, I gave my heart and body away. Long before I should have or even knew what I was doing. I gave what I had no right to give. It wasn’t mine to give. This idea of doing what I want, being who I want to be- I did not know then that I had a greater purpose.
Wait Because No Man Will have You
The only reason I had been told to wait for was because no man would have me if I didn’t. No man would want me. So, in my young mind – at home, alone with no one around – desiring to be loved and not knowing what true love really was…I made a promise after I uttered the dare.
I Did Not Know True Love
I did not know how to love me. I did not know that my value, should have been found in the heart of my Heavenly Father. I never knew the truth that I had been bought with a cost higher than any person could or would ever pay for me. I wish I had known. But, I am not a victim of my own self-inflicted circumstances. While I wish I could go back in time and erase that call and what would follow, I can not. And I wonder, if I had the ability and could go back and change, would I be the person I am now.
I am not perfect
I am a sinner – so far from perfect. Yet, each day, I discover more beautiful treasures from my Heavenly Father. I treasure the memories that are full of light and I make new ones with my husband, children, family and friends. I no longer hide who I am or who I was. There is no need to hang my head in shame.
I have been bought with a price – a beautiful and loving price….and I pray that through God’s word, prayer and the Holy Spirit that my daughter’s heart will be so wrapped in the heart of the Father that no man can find her, without seeking there…first.
I desire to pray her into the Heart of the King of Kings – and she will be His Princess…and the next generation will be one full of light to shine in the dark.
We Are Teaching Our Children
Together, my husband and I are teaching our children the beauty of remaining pure. The true love that is available to them- right here in our home and from their Heavenly Father. They don’t have to wait to experience that love. They can experience true love and joy right now! They need to learn to enjoy HIS LOVE now, not waiting for a Prince or Princess to come. He has already been here, he paid the price and we need to share that with our children.. We sing words of wisdom and words of truth. One of my favorite songs on this topic is “You are Not Your Own” on the Purity CD by Seeds Family Worship.
Have you searched for love, not knowing your true value, too? How are you pouring scripture, truth and love into your children?
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